40 Questions to Ask Your Partner to Increase Intimacy
If you’ve been in a relationship with someone for a long time, you might sometimes feel like there’s nothing new to learn about your partner. You’ve heard all their stories, you know all their quirks, and you’re not sure how to get to know them better. In all relationships, there comes a time when things aren’t as easy as they once were. Real life can get in the way and make you feel like you’re drifting apart, whether it’s a friend or a romantic partner. However, it’s not inevitable that every relationship ends. Relationships are work, and to keep them going in a way that is satisfying for everyone you sometimes have to try new things. It might seem boring or low-tech, but one of the best ways to increase intimacy is to ask your partner questions. Not just any questions, either, but questions that will help you get to know each other on a deeper level, instead of just making small talk.
What is intimacy?
Intimacy is the emotional closeness between people in personal relationships. You can feel intimacy with many different people – family, friends, partners, coworkers, classmates. The level of intimacy you feel in relationships may change over time. Sometimes we’re closer to certain friends than others. We can grow apart from each other if we don’t prioritize the relationship or if other circumstances come along. To keep relationships going, we need to put in work to maintain closeness over time.
What kinds of questions do you tend to ask your partner? Are they questions about how their day went, or what they’re up to? It’s not a bad thing by any means to talk about these things, and it can help build closeness to know what’s going on day to day, too. But asking deeper questions can help you learn to be vulnerable and validating with each other, which can help you feel even closer afterward.
Here are some questions to ask your partner to increase intimacy:
- What is the first thing you noticed about me?
- What does your perfect day look like?
- What do you love most about our relationship?
- What do you remember about falling in love with me?
- How do you like to be shown love?
- How do you like to show love?
- If you could have anyone as a dinner guest, living or dead, who would you invite?
- If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
- What is your earliest memory?
- What are three things you admire about yourself?
- Do you have a bucket list? What’s on it?
- If you could have any sort of power or ability, what would it be?
- What is something you want to try but are too scared to do?
- What is your dream vacation?
- What was your favorite movie as a child? What did you love about it?
- If you could be an eyewitness to any event in history, what would you choose?
- Do you have any recurring dreams?
- What is something you think is true about me?
- What can I do to show you how much I love you?
- Whose relationship do you admire the most?
- If you met yourself from five years ago, what would be different?
- What do you fear the most about our relationship?
- What’s your favorite sexual memory from our relationship?
- What is your favorite date that we’ve been on?
- What do I do that turns you on the most?
- Is there something we used to do that you miss?
- How would your childhood best friend describe you?
- What did you learn from your parents’ relationship?
- When do you feel the most at peace?
- What has excited you lately?
- What is your favorite type of compliment to get?
- What is the closest you’ve ever felt to me?
- If you were to die tomorrow, what would you regret not telling someone? What would you regret not doing?
- What is your favorite memory of our early days as a couple?
- Do you see yourself in our kids? How?
- What is something that makes you feel alive?
- What do you wish you had more time for?
- If you could study any subject for free, what would it be?
- What’s the best advice you ever received?
- Is there anything you need to forgive yourself for?
You don’t have to ask your partner all of these questions, but try to find some that resonate with you and start there. Maybe set up a regular date night where you can spend some time together and have serious conversations without real life worries getting in the way. If you’re looking for more support building intimacy with your partner, our clinicians can help you learn to communicate more effectively and grow closer in couples therapy.
-Brice N. Sanner, LMFT