Is This a Red Flag or Am I Overthinking?
If you’ve been hurt before, struggle with anxiety, tend to people-please, or grew up around unhealthy relationship dynamics your brain may constantly be scanning for danger.
One of the most common questions people ask in relationships is “Am I ignoring red flags or am I just overthinking everything?” Something I see a lot of in my practice are people minimizing concerning behaviors because they don’t want to seem “dramatic.”
So how do you know when something is truly a red flag versus your anxiety jumping to a worst-case scenario? Sometimes it can be really hard to tell the difference- let’s break it down.
What Is a Red Flag?
Now this may be a little different for each person. But let me tell you what I would say if you were my client.
A red flag is a behavioral pattern that signals disrespect, instability, incompatibility, manipulation, or emotional harm. I’ve emphasized the word pattern because a healthy relationship will allow room for mistakes, growth, and miscommunication. A red flag becomes concerning when it happens repeatedly, your concerns are dismissed, the behavior escalates, or if you feel unsafe at any point in time. A single imperfect moment is not always a red flag, but consistent unhealthy behavior often is.
So we’ve established that red flags are connected to observable behaviors and patterns. What does this look like?
-Consistently disrespecting your boundaries
-Making you feel guilty for expressing your needs
-Extreme jealousy
-Controlling behaviors
-Frequent lying or gaslighting
-Manipulation
-Mocking your emotions or making you feel “crazy”
-Hot and cold behavior that makes you feel confused
-Refusing to take accountability after hurting you
Check in with your body! If you are living around red flags your body will often feel chronically tense. You may find yourself walking on eggshells, second-guessing your reality, or making conscious efforts to avoid conflict.
Anxiety Can Make Red Flags Harder to Identify
Sometimes anxiety causes people to see danger everywhere. Sometimes anxiety can cause people to dismiss legitimate concerns because they assume they’re being “dramatic.” People who struggle with self-trust can often talk themselves out of their instinctual cues for red flags, “maybe I’m asking for too much”, “maybe I’m being too sensitive”, “maybe this is normal.” When you’ve learned to doubt yourself it becomes harder to tell the difference between intuition and fear. So, ask yourself “what’s the evidence?” I love to tell my clients to take their anxious thoughts to “court.” Determine if this is a feeling or a fact.
Ask:
-What specifically happened?
-Is this a pattern?
-How do I typically feel after interacting with this person?
-Have I communicated my concern?
-How did they respond when I did?
-Am I reacting to this person, or being triggered by my past experiences?
Notice the difference between “I feel anxious because they haven’t texted in two hours” and “I feel anxious because they disappear for days without explanation every time we fight.” One is uncertainty, one indicates a pattern.
Signs You Might Be Overthinking
Let’s look at the other side. Overthinking often sounds like:
-”what if they secretly hate me?
-”they took longer to text back this time…. Did I do something wrong?
-”maybe I’m too much”
-”what if I ruin this?
Overthinking tends to involve:
-attempting to mind read
-catastrophizing
-looking for certainty where there isn’t any
-hyperanlyzing small details
-replaying conversations repeatedly
You may notice that even after reassurance, your brain may try and continue to convince you that it’s fake, or the anxiety may return quickly.
Final Thoughts
A relationship does not have to be perfect to be healthy. Healthy relationships foster a feeling of emotional safety, respect, consistency, and stability. You should not have to constantly minimize your own feelings, convince yourself that hurtful behavior is acceptable, or have to decipher someone’s intentions. If you are repeatedly asking yourself if your concerns are valid, it may be worth “taking to court.” You do not need to have a “good enough reason: to pay attention to how someone makes you feel. Learning the difference between a red flag and overthinking often starts with rebuilding trust in yourself. What do you see? How do you feel? What are your boundaries? Do these actions align with your values? Trust that the future you will thank you for taking the time to decide if this relationship is emotionally healthy for you, and thanking you for knowing when to walk away when it’s time.
-Haley Martin, LMSW, LMAC