If someone talked to your best friend the way that you talk to yourself, you probably wouldn’t stand for it. Yet so many of us have an inner voice that is constantly pointing out every mistake or comparing ourselves to everyone else. We’re constantly being reminded why we’re “not good enough.”
Sound familiar?
Being hard on ourselves has become weirdly normalized. #GrindNeverStops. We think that if we’re tough enough on ourselves we’ll magically become more successful, attractive, richer, or even just appear more put together. But in reality, self-criticism rarely motivates us. Usually it just keeps you feeling stuck. So how can you stop it?
Catch Your Inner Bully
Your brain is constantly talking to you, but you don’t have to believe everything it says. Start by paying attention to your thoughts throughout the day. Do you catch yourself saying things like:
-”I’m so embarrassing”
-”I always mess everything up”
-”Everyone else has their life together except me”
-”I’m so behind”
These thoughts often happen automatically and so frequently that we don’t even question them. We accept them as our reality. Once you start to notice them, you have the power to challenge them.
Stop Talking in Absolute
Words like always, never, and everyone are usually a sign that your brain is exaggerating. Your brain loves a dramatic headline. So instead of saying, “I always fail”, try asking yourself “is that actually true or did one thing just not go the way I hoped?” Thoughts are not facts! Your brain might still jump to the worst case scenario and that’s okay. Your job right now isn’t to stop the thought from showing up. Your job right now is to stop it from having the final say. Changing your language might seem like a small thing, but the words you repeat to yourself shape the way that you see yourself.
Would You Say That to Someone You Love?
Imagine your best friend came to you after making a mistake. Would you tell them they’re a failure? That they’re stupid? That no one likes them anymore? Probably not. So why is it okay to say those things to yourself? Self-compassion doesn’t mean pretending everything is perfect. It means responding to yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer someone you cared about. You spend the most time with yourself, why fill that time being a bully?
Your Worth Isn’t Based on Your Productivity
You don’t earn the right to like yourself once you’ve checked everything off of your to-do list. Your value isn’t determined by your GPA or your job title. You aren’t a better or worse person based on how many likes your latest post got. If we set these unrealistic standards for when we will start feeling okay with who we are, odds are we’re likely to continue to raise the bar once you’ve met it. If we keep raising the bar, then where does it stop? You are allowed to exist without feeling like you constantly need to prove your worth.
Progress > Perfection
Perfection is a moving target. Like we talked about above, no matter how much you accomplish your inner critic will probably find something else to complain about. Instead of asking “was I perfect today?” ask:
–”Did I try?”
-”Did I learn something?”
-”Did I show up for myself?”
These questions are much more helpful, and much more realistic.
Start Becoming Your Own Teammate
Imagine what your life would be like if your inner voice sounded more like a coach than a bully. A coach says:
-”You made a mistake, but you’ll figure it out.”
-”This is hard, but you’ve done hard things before.”
-”You don’t have to be perfect to be worthy.”
-”I’m proud of you for trying.”
This kind of voice helps you grow, the other one keeps you stuck. At the end of the day, the person you spend the most time with is yourself. You deserve a relationship with yourself that’s built on encouragement instead of criticism. You don’t have to unconditionally love yourself every single day, but you can start by speaking to yourself with a little bit more grace. Your inner critic may still have something to say, but it doesn’t have to be the loudest voice in the room!
-Haley Martin, LMSW, LMAC